It had been a month since that incident happened but the memory still burns. Every time I remember it, the despair and emptiness still remains. Everything I have fought for was all for nothing. I have been living in an illusion for 10 years. When you start facing reality once again, all your actions in the past haunt you. Faces of people I have killed come lurking in every place I go. Somehow, when you realize that you’ve been wrong for all these years, your world crashes.

How I long for death but it wouldn’t come. And even if I tried to kill myself, it would be wrong. From this point on, I would be living a life full of guilt and regrets. A life not worth living but I would accept it as my punishment. Hoping that someday, I might make amends to all the people I have killed.

I still grieve for the death of my sister and this grief had destroyed me. Her smile that had helped me for years had faded. Faded due to my cruelty and hatred. I didn’t know how it happened but I had hurt the one person that she had loved. I hated him for taking her away from me. How I blamed him for her death but looking back, I realized that the one person that I really blamed was myself. I thought I hated him but I really hated myself for not protecting her.

When she died, darkness invaded my soul. I hated the happiness that I see in people. I wanted to destroy their happiness. I wanted them to feel what I felt until I met her…

He loved her… even I could see that. He was happy and I hated him for that. He had no right to happiness the moment he killed my sister. I wanted him to suffer and die in despair. So I took away the most precious person to him and I gloated as he suffered in agony.

I was amazed at her spirit. I thought she would break down and beg for her life but instead she faced me with fierce determination in her eyes. She had beautiful eyes, I realized and I was impressed by her courage. Though she knew that it was hopeless, she stood up to me and I was pleased with her. When she mentioned his name, how I resented Battousai more. He had no right to have her spirit and her whole loyalty to him.

In the prison I have created for her, she showed amazing courage and compassion. At that time, I hoped that I was not what I was. I tried to push that thought away as I savored my revenge. But when she looked at me I wanted to beg for her forgiveness. I told myself that I would survive with just my sister’s smile for me. That too was taken away from me. I was horrified to realize that the smile that I have treasured for years was replaced by condemnation. I blamed her so I tried to kill her yet I couldn’t do it. I threw up that day.

When I learned that he had decided to live once again, I realized why my sister was sad. I was going to finish him off… that was my resolution. But I lost, my body and soul battered. The person I blamed for the death of my sister was the person she had loved. All that I had been living for through all these years was all for nothing and with this realization, I felt empty.

I had no one and I had to face this but first, I had to rest. I am so very tired but sleep wouldn't come and if it did, nightmares haunt me. I had always prided myself that I was strong but every time I close my eyes, I feel terror seize me and I tremble in fear. These faces, when will it all stop?

Gripped in a nightmare, I was shaken by a soft voice calling me. That voice somehow woke me. Opening my eyes, I realized that there was someone shaking me. The first thing that I saw was her worried eyes. It was her.

"What do you want? " I demanded harshly "Did you come here to punish me? Fine, you won! Isn't that enough!?!

"I'm sorry," she murmured,"You were shaking so hard, I thought it would be best to wake you. Here, I brought you some food."

"Why?" I asked her.

I saw her turn away avoiding my gaze. I sensed her hesitation. Fighting a battle within herself, she finally sighed and looking up, I was once again shaken by the compassion she exuded.

" I don't really know why. However, i know how it feels to lose someone you love. I know how helpless that makes you feel and I know how it feels to want to destroy the people that brought you so much unhappiness. Revenge, doesn't make you evil. It makes you more human. I realized that all you need is to see the truth and when you begin to live once more, you'll realize that the world is not as evil as you seem to think." she explained firmly.

I wanted to rage at her and tell her how stupid she is. There is no goodness in me. I am the devil incarnate. I killed with no compassion and mercy. Now, I am hunted with the hell I have created. I belong to this world, this hell.

I turned away from those searching eyes. I know that if she probed any further, she would see darkness and I didn't want her to be consumed by it. No wonder Battousai was able to survive. He had her light. With all the evil that she had seen, she still retained her childlike innocence. Not ignorance but innocence in its purest form. I realized that I tried to take that away from her and now I'm glad that she still has it.

"There is no goodness in me," I said brokenly "There has never been any goodness in me. Can't you see that? Don't be so goddamned STUPID. Just leave me alone!"

The words didn't come out as I expected. I abhorred at how desperate I sounded. She looked at me and probably thought back on all that I have done. I waited for her to leave, dreading it, but she didn't. Instead, she took a step nearer. Raising her hands, I thought she would slap me, but she rested her hands on my forehead and her expression changed to anger.

"Baka! What did you do to yourself? I'm taking you to Megumi and no buts, young man!" she admonished.

Unable to withstand her kindness, I looked away and whispered, "Please don't. I couldn't face anyone right now. Just let me rest. Leave, I'll be fine."

"Baka, I can't leave you!" she insisted.

I froze as she reached for my arm, her fingers warm and consoling and I wanted to grasp it in my hands. Oh, how I wanted to hold it and feel her warmth encompass my cold body. It had been so long since anyone ever thought of touching me, not in hatred but in concern. She's concerned for me, I thought wonderingly. I have always been on my own and have consoled myself with my sister's smile. But, Kaoru, she's different. She's alive and warm, just within my reach. I only have to twist my body and I could embrace her, feel her warmth, bask in her kindness. But i controlled myself and laughed at my foolish thoughts. How can anyone care for someone as evil as me, and a psycho to boot, obsessed with a mirage for so long. "Wake up, Enishi. You are cursed, cursed by your own hands!" Unable to withstand the confusion and helplessness that I feel, I shouted at her.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" and with these words I vented out all the fury that I felt for myself and for her. For making me want for something that I knew I could never have. And I despise myself for even having these thoughts. I looked at her in anger and in pain and I saw her take a step backward at my voice. Even I was horrified at how I shouted at her. She looked at me then shook her head and started walking away.

"NO!" I wanted to shout but knowing better, I buried this impluse. I couldn't let her shoulder the burden of caring for me. I watched hopelessly as she walked away. How I wished that I had been the one who found her.